Here i am sitting down inside of my car. I'm not sure where this writing is going but i'll tell u one thing. I feel weird. Im not sure how to explain it. I feel numb and somewhere inside me, I feel super down. I mean im not complaining on how life treats me at the moment. In fact, im grateful of living. Im proud of all the accomplishments i have accomplished so far. But, i dont know why, i feel empty. I dont know why. My heart aches when i see those long messages in my email disscussing things related to studying in Netherlands. Im sick and tired of how i am able to accomplish so much but not able to take those chances. It is pitiful to be in this state. I hate it. I wish i wasn't so down. But maybe, just maybe. There's something better waiting for me up ahead. Maybe, just maybe. I was meant to sit in this car ride right now. Maybe, just maybe. I was meant to stay in Jakarta for university from the very begining. I guess it is enough blabblering for the night. See you soon.
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These memories of my past keep on haunting me. I can’t seem to get these pictures off my head. I still can remember clearly what happened. I remember perfectly what I saw, what I heard and how I felt. Sometimes I get so scared remembering it. It feels like I wish I didn’t go through it, you know. It is a nightmare to me. Words can’t even explain how scary it was for me.
Last year, after the fasting month, my family and I went to Bali for a family vacation. It was 11 at night. We arrived back in Jakarta. Usually, we had our driver to pick us up but this time, I guess not. So we took a taxi to go home instead. We normally took 2 taxis but then since it was late we took 1 taxi instead. My dad was afraid if my sisters and I would get kidnap or something. We took this ‘celebrity taxi’, we were not really familiar with it but it was the only taxi that wanted to take 6 peoples in one car. I kind of felt weird because we don’t normally want to take a taxi that wasn't familiar to us. There were 6 peoples in the car. The driver, of course sat on the driver’s seat, my dad sat next to the driver’s seat, so that means my mom and my other 2 sisters had to sit in the back. My mom sat behind the driver’s seat, Hani sat next to her, I remember clearly that I sat next to Hani and my older sister was sitting on my left side. It was kind of uncomfortable since there wasn’t so much space. After that we’re off back to our apartment. At the beginning of the ride, it was fun. We were joking around and we were laughing about a bunch of stupid stuffs we did in Bali. After a while everyone was getting tired, obviously it was late. It was almost midnight. My mom was sleeping already and I could see Hani was half sleeping. My sister and I noticed that the driver was driving so fast. We’d say, too fast. The speed-o-meter was up to 180km/h. God it was fast. I could feel the car was shaking. My dad was talking to the taxi’s driver so that maybe he would drive slowly but then he kept going on a very fast pace. My heart was racing. My sister and I were panicking. We felt scared. My dad noticed what felt so he told the driver to go through the non-toll road. He drove slower after we got on the non-toll road but after a while he went fast again. I tried to sleep so maybe I could get the feeling off my chest but then I couldn’t sleep. I closed my eyes several times, thinking that it would actually calm me down but every time I closed my eyes, I felt more restless. I was just scared and I couldn’t seem to shake it off. Since I was facing down, I raised my head and I was facing the street. I saw a car coming out of a hotel on my left side. It was dark so I couldn’t see properly the driver’s face and since our taxi was going very fast I knew that we would hit the car. I exhaled my breath sharply, I attempted to reach my sister’s hand and I was about to tell my sister but then BAM! Our taxi didn’t hit the car but he was trying to avoid crashing to it so he slammed the steering wheel to the right. I swear, I could hear the screeching sound of the tires. I was panicking and it felt like my heart just jumped out of my chest. God, I was terrified. It felt like death was coming onto us. It felt like the reaper was ready to take our souls out of our bodies. The car turned right, it went over the bus way line. The car was shaking rapidly. My head was bumping everything that was around me. Then after a huge thud the car finally stopped moving. The car hit this huge tall grey wall of the fly over road. I could feel every inch of my body started aching. I was shocked because I saw a lot of blood on both of my hands and my clothes. My nose was bleeding. My ribcage was hurting. I couldn’t breathe, for a split second I thought I forgot how to breathe but I guess the blood was blocking my breathing system. The pain was amazingly scary. My sister who was sitting next to me pulled me out of the car. She sat me down on the pavement. I was crying. These random people started coming onto us. They helped us. A group of people helped carrying my mom out of the car. They lied my mom down next to me. I instantly looked at her. There in front of my eyes, I saw a huge cut on her forehead and I could see this white thing, I believed it was her skull and there was a lot of blood coming out from it. She was unconscious. I could see blood, cuts, bruises and wounds all over her body. I unconsciously screamed. Those strangers were just staring and there were bunch of cars passing by. I was in too much shocked that I didn’t know what to do. My dad stopped a taxi and he told me to take my mom and I got to go to the nearest hospital. There was this person who knew about the nearest hospital, so he led the way to get there. We arrived at the hospital. I immediately went inside to look for anyone. Not long after that my sisters and my dad came with all of our stuffs and at the same time these nurses started coming out with that kind of bed you can find in hospitals, they lied my mom down on it and pushed the bed back into the emergency room. We all went inside the emergency room, they immediately examined my parents. My dad was lying on the bed weakly and my mom on the other bed was awakened. She screamed saying that she was in pain. Her left eye was swollen. She couldn’t move her legs. The doctor stitched her huge cut. I felt so heart-broken to see my parents in that kind of situation. I was so afraid of the thought that anything could happen now, by all means my parents could die. I couldn’t stop crying. The fear was haunting me. After a while things started cooling down. Hani’s boyfriend came together with his mom to check on how we were. Suddenly my mom was choking loudly. I didn’t know what happened but afterwards she started puking a lot of blood. I was freaking out! I remember perfectly the color of the blood, it was a very dark red-blackish blood mixed together with the light red blood. For a second, I thought I was going to die because of being in too much shocked. Without even realizing, tears started running down my face. I couldn’t take it any longer, I couldn’t bear to see my mom in so much pain. So I went out of the room to calm myself down. My older sister had to take care of the hospital administration thing, I could also feel that she was so terrified. Hani was calling her boyfriend and I tried calling mine but he didn’t pick up so I told my friend about my situation instead. My friend was so shocked she told my other friends to come and see me but it was already late. I felt bad if they had to go all the way here. We had to move to another hospital because my mom needed a lot complicated equipment. The doctor tried to call these hospitals but they said that the hospitals were full. Since my dad is a doctor and a professor, so he called one of his students who work in RS premier, he grabbed his phone and started calling him. My dad was speaking weakly through the phone. He told him about what happened and that we needed to move to another hospital and we were coming there. I was scared that my mom wouldn’t make it because the hospital that we’re going was all the way in Bintaro and we were in Slipi so it was far. She was too weak, I’m not even sure how bad her condition was, so I kept praying. My older sister went with the ambulance car together with my mom and the rest of us went with Hani’s boyfriend’s car. We arrived there and all the nurses started handling my mom. We all had to do the examination. It turned out that my dad was okay but he had to be hospitalized since he said part around his chest was hurting so bad so they had to do more in-depth examination and my sisters and I were alright, we just got some bruises and wounds. I felt a bit relieved when I hear it but on the other hand, my mom was in a serious condition. She had to stay in the ICU and she was unconscious for few days, I was in fear. She finally woke up after 2 days and the doctor said that she will be alright, but she had to go through a few operations because her leg got dislocated and she lost some parts of her hip. I felt so grateful that my mom was alive, I thanked God for giving my mom the strength to fight. I had trouble sleeping at nights sometimes because that nightmare kept on coming onto me. I still have pictures in my head about that night. I’m traumatized. Even up until now, when I’m in the car and if it goes fast, my heart will start racing and I will get so restless and I will start panicking. It just always reminds me of the accident. That accident is just something I will never forget... By : Raihana Safira Wardhani |